This is real, this is me

With all the things that have been happening for the past few years, I do believe that God is allowing me to experience things that are real so that I will be able to use it to help and encourage people in the future. Being a child, I always believed that the future installs so much for me, and that I will be able to do all things because God is there. I've shared with some people that, the thing that keeps my faith going is the hope that tomorrow will be better than today. That life wouldn't be just life. I never thought of earning big bucks, or being the top person in something. I only wanted to grow up doing the things that i like and have a passion for. But my greatest dream was to hear from God, see Him and serve him everyday of my life. This was my biggest dream. And i really looked forward to it. But growing up wasn't really easy, especially coming to the transition from being a teenager to soon, an adult. Things start to get complicating, and reality really kicks in. And guess what, reality is harsh. No longer can you only want to do your own thing, but as i start to understand things, well, it comes with responsibility, and "life officially starts". When i talk to people, i guess the only thing they can tell me is "well, this is reality. It's time to grow up". I've started to loose my goal and focus. And don't know where to find God in all these that's going on, and how is God in the picture. I'd think "God i thought my dream is something that will bless You. Then why does it seem like You're not wanting to make it happen?". Even on Friday, when Jess Parker spoke about breaking free in church. I was quite reluctant to go cos i felt like it's just another program. I'm just going to go, have a few things that hit me, and the next day it'll be like i'll forget everything. But He mentioned something about night terror, which really struck me cos i've had it for the past few years, which for a while it was really bad and i had it for almost everyday in a row, and to a point, 3 times in one night itself. I ended up not being able to sleep and literally had a phobia of going to bed. I'd make myself super tired so would sleep well that night. I couldn't find anyone who have had the same experience as i did and really didn't know what to do. I remember praying every night before i slept, and yet it still happened every night. Called upon Jesus when it happened, and yet it still continued. I think at that point, i really lost my faith. I thought "God i thought You said You'd save me when i call You, but why didn't You?". But it was encouraging to find people that do go through the same thing as i did. I know it's not merely sleep paralysis (which many people have been telling me that it is) cos I have weird dreams before it happens and sometimes I hear somebody whispering in my ear when it happens. I use to think it's better not to question, cos it's only going to make me question God and make me go further away from Him. Till some time ago I happened to talk to Simon and he mentioned that it's ok to question God, I don't think He is intimidated by our questions. Then only i realized that what made me drift away was me not wanting to question God, and in the end i only end up having no answers and giving up my walk. Nowadays in church they always mention God wanting to restore and remind those who had a dream and kind of forgot or lost sight of it. I didn't think it was for me. But i think God has been starting to remind me of things and start to let me see the purpose things that have happened. Yes, I'm still looking for answers. And i hope to find them.

Hmm... This post seems holy. Hehe. Guess i'm not really used to being "holy" anymore. But i'm glad i'm posting it up. It's going to be a good reminder.