Taking baby steps

Something struck me this afternoon when i was taking a nap. This morning we had an Easter sunrise service in BU central park, instead of the usual church service. And little Caelynn was there, enjoying herself, walking around, and feeding her hands to the dogs. She would walk a few steps, then reach her hand above her head and attempt to hold someone's hand for support and assurance. Eddy mentioned later on that it reminded Him of God loving and watching over him on his life journey, just as he was there, fully prepared to allow Caelynn to grab his finger whenever she reached out her hand. And through this, how much you love a child not of your own blood and prepared to help her when she needs it, what more your heavenly Father will do that and even more for you.

It just struck me of how the little little things in life Eddy sees that encourages him, reminds and teaches him of God, and even how he finds joy in the little things and situations that people usually see as nothing more than a moment in life. And this really reminded me of... me. I remember that the little details in life always did and still do remind me of God and brings me cheer. I always felt i have this little whisper in me, something that speaks to me, connects me, cautions me, answers me, shows me... Till now, sometimes i still don't know how to use it, or in better words, to express it. Yet at this point of time, i'm starting to numb it and harden myself. Like what people say, you can let situations bring you down, or strengthen you up. With each bad situation, i chose to let it harden me, rather than making me stronger. I guess i start to get tired of standing up again after each fall, convincing myself or forcing myself to get up and try again straight away, rather than letting me heal, savor God and give time to learn and understand. Till everything starts becoming hypocritical, unreal, and i start to doubt. It is true what people say that life feels empty without God. It is. I feel the emptiness. But i'm not ready to get up yet.

I'm not giving up on christianity, not life, because no doubt God is real. I just don't know how to embrace it yet.